Failure

This weekend was mostly extended naps and doing as little as possible, and honestly it makes me feel like shit. I thought it was what I needed, but now I’m back in “tired all the time and lazy as fuck” country and have to work twice as hard to get shit done. Why is it so easy to fall down again? No wonder this vicious cycle continues.

Advertisements

Yesterday I slept all night, all day and all night again. I was awake for about 7 hours in total. I know, it was a bad idea, but on the bright side I’m ready for a weekend of hardcore relaxation and doing the mountain of dishes in the kitchen.

Now I’m at work drinking energy tea and realizing I forgot my wallet at home, so I don’t even get the luxury of buying myself a coke. Life is hard.

Todays high/lowlights

Overslept. Take put trash.
Work. Nice. Went well. Cuddles with awesome rottweiler.
Lunch with mom. Shrimps.
An hours car ride. Nice talk time with mom.
Picked up cousin. Picked up cousins kid. Youngest told me she loves me.
Get to cousins place. His wife us super happy to see me. People show up. Birthday girl is so sweet! Everything is nice. Some tears when we left, kid wanted us to stay the night. So sweet and so sad. 
Go home. More car talk with mom. SO was happy, almost got in a fight anyway. Fight avoided, cuddles instead.
Watched old photos.
Now sleep.
Wasted to many spoons today I think… But it was worth it. I have a sweet loving family.

Unexpected events

Oh, man, what a day. SO has been ill, so I spent the afternoon/evening waiting for him to see a doctor. He’s fine, he just has to stay away from spicy foods.

But he started feeling ill last night, I was worried sick, thinking about all the things that could be wrong. So I slept rather unwell.

Anyway, he’s fine now and I’m really tired and a bit disappointed I had to spend my day off at the hospital but that’s no ones fault. And at least I got to spend time around a lot of (sick) people, and that’s supposed to be good, right? Well. I’m going in later tomorrow anyway cause I have to stay a bit later. Then I’m gonna go celebrate my cousins kid who turns 7! Lots of people there as well.

I hope I find some time to write something. This writing thing is really helping me, It’s a really nice way to vent. And I need to keep track of my mood too, I never do that properly.

Tears

Today I’ve cried more than in the last year. I don’t even know who I am. This change in medications has turned me in to a teenager, just feelings flying around everywhere. And I’m so angry I try to pick fights with my SO who just get confused and sad when I run around our apartment, slamming doors and crying/sobbing/screaming.

(But he made me lie down on his lap and kept stroking my hair while I was making awful howling sobs and after a while my tears dried up and we had some nice cuddles).

I still feel really weird, the tiniest thing will make me explode and/or break down crying. Everything stresses me out. Thank lord I have the day off tomorrow.

Small victories

I try to celebrate when I do what I’m supposed to. It might sound silly, but when I’m in certain moods it’s the only way I can think of to get up and out of bed.

I’m at work today, so I bought myself a coke and a snickers. Now I just have to get some work done even though I feel like my brain is an empty shell. It’s full of ideas for my novel in my abandoned nanowrimo project so I’ll probably have to keep that going.

I do, however, not have a single idea what to write in the article I’m supposed to write. I’ll try and see if a sugarrush might help me.

Boredom

It’s Sunday. Sundays are inherently boring and dull. Today is worse. SO has been feeling off for a few days and today it turns out he’s really anxious about a party we where supposed to attend in like a month. There might possibly be people there who I might have made out with, and his insecurities where running wild.

This is so difficult for me. I have lived an interesting life. I’m an alcoholic. When I drink I can’t stop and I do things that sounds like a good idea at the time. I have been sober for over a year now, ever since we became a couple, but he still knows what my life was like. I never hid it. He is insecure and get jealous. It’s very understandable.

But. A few years ago I was in an (emotionally and physically) abusive relationship. I wouldn’t say I have PTSD, but some things I just can’t handle, such as SO punching walls or raising his voice in a certain ways. He very rarely does this so it’s not a problem.

However, I feel like I get punched in my stomach when he gets jealous. And I feel like I need to fix it straight away. And that’s not how it works. I just have to tell him that I am sorry, that he is the one I love and want to be with, that I think he is amazing etc. And then I have to give him time. And I’m so bad at it. I want things to be better NOW! So I beat myself up for having been a stupid person in the past, even though I didn’t actually do anything wrong (and I know SO agrees with me, I didn’t do anything wrong. Just things that makes him jealous).

I don’t know. Life is difficult. Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight I will knit and be a super awesome caring girlfriend even though I have no energy for it. I am a person suffering from anxiety and depression. I’m also a person who is dealing with a loved one suffering from anxiety and depression. Some days are more difficult than others.